We need skills to access feelings and we can learn the language of emotion most readily as children. Some of us became champions early on, blessed with parents who pressed in, encouraging us to find words to share our feelings rather than act them out. They taught us, “Use your words.”

These parents validated deep sentiments and authorized their expression. When they saw us in distress, they encouraged us to open up and articulate how we felt. Sometimes they guessed at our feelings and asked for confirmation. “You look sad. Are you okay?” “I bet you feel angry now.” “Are you disappointed you didn’t get a part in the play?” “You must feel happy; you worked so hard on your spelling words.”

They sat with us in our grief and reveled in our delight. Even when we were full of anger or frustration, these healthy parents encouraged us to verbalize feelings and work them through. They knew that if we want to manage our emotions rather than have them control us, we must acknowledge them and get them out so we can examine them. As Daniel Siegel says, “Name it to tame it.”

Others of us were not so fortunate. Our moms and dads were uncomfortable with strong emotion, or maybe they were simply preoccupied and unavailable. Some of them sent myriad messages that our feelings were wrong or that we should not express emotions. “Children are to be seen and not heard!” Whether we were boisterous or bawling, we were told to tone it down. “Hush your crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” “Don’t you sass me!” “No singing at the table!”

Some children get shamed for tender or strong feelings. “Don’t be a crybaby!” “Go to your room until you can put on a happy face!” These children learned to squelch emotion or to avoid it altogether. “Get over it. It’s not that big a deal!” Sometimes we were even told, “That’s not how you really feel!” And if we questioned the rules, we were told, “Because I’m the parent and I said so!”

I grew up being shamed for my sensitive nature and the outflow of angry emotion was met with hostility or punishment. I also learned that it was not okay to ask for help. Even in college, I was so disconnected from feelings that I had no idea what made me angry. For those of us not schooled in “emotionspeak”, even awareness of feelings takes practice. And even small emotions, like irritation, can be big factors in driving the compulsive behaviors many of us employ to avoid our feelings.

From research and personal experience, we know we can’t suppress negative emotions without dampening positive ones as well. We must confess and clear away the darker feelings so we can enjoy the brighter ones. Like digging for buried treasure, we find the heart of gold only after digging through the dirt. And as we listen to our hearts, we can also get better at tuning in to the voice of God that speaks in our soul’s inner rooms.

So go there! Feel your feelings and work them through. God knows your heart, even more than a loving parent intuiting a child’s emotion. But how much better for relationship and for us when we take the time to explore what is inside and share it in the the safety of a loving alliance.

There is release in expression. No matter how powerful or painful the feelings, getting them out helps. Jesus says it well, “Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.” – Matthew 5:4

God is a good Father. You can say anything to Him. His shoulders are broad and He is slow to anger and full of unfailing love. He wants to hear from you!