Self esteem. Job had it. He was a righteous man, outstanding in character that God singled him before Satan and all heaven’s host. Who knows, maybe God enjoys bragging a bit when one of his kids excels. At any rate, Job had reason to feel good about himself. This was fortunate, because it gave him the temerity to stand firm in the face of his friend’s insinuations of wrongdoing and his wife’s encouragement to curse God and die. As importantly, though, Job had great esteem for God. In the face of all the evidence, Job still believed God was good and he took Him to task.

Eventually, God shows up. It is later than Job wished, but God arrives. Having given Job a chance to present his case, God speaks up. In no uncertain terms He reminds Job of His power, wisdom and glory, displayed throughout creation. He chides Job for believing he can counsel the Almighty. And by the time God finishes, Job’s self esteem has taken a beating.

Then Job replied to the LORD:

“I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.

You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?’

Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.

“You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’

My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.

Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.”                                           Job 42:1-6

So what of self-esteem? What was the basis of Job’s feelings about himself from that day forward? He had seen God and found his own soul contemptible by comparison. At the end of the day, however, no one could deny, the God of the universe had visited. It was a moment Job would never forget: in the midst of his distress, God cared enough to come.

It is the same for us?  We have only one reason for feeling good about ourselves: into our messed up world, God sent his Son. In the midst of our distress, God cares enough to come.

How easily I fall into a pleasing mode! Like a child, I long desperately for approval, and at times I go to great lengths to get it. Even with God, I imagine doing some great thing to hear him say, “Well done, good and faithful servant.” While God will judge every man’s actions, I know His work for us flows from acceptance and love, not offered as a bid for acceptance and love. It was, after all, before Jesus did anything in His ministry that the heavenly voice declared, “You are my Son, whom I love; with you I am well pleased.”  –Luke 3:22

God, let me hear those words before I start my day. I want to hear them lying still under the covers, before doing anything. I want to hear them without regard to my performance and I want to say to you as well, “You are my Father, whom I love; with you I am well satisfied.” I want to say the words even when I see no immediate blessing or sign of your presence – even when, as Job found, all is ashes and dust.

Make the love between us full and free, a spontaneous brook flowing with laughter and song, an outpouring prompted by whatever brings the other to mind. When you think of me, Lord, think sweet and tender thoughts. When I think of you, it will be with rapture and worshipful adoration. Let there be nothing hard between us, only softness and playful rebuff. When I am angry with you, let me express it tones that give away the depth of my devotion. So, too, when angry with me, express it in the gentlest way. Burn away all that keeps me from you, while yet showing the warmth of your love.

Lord, see in me the Son you love, and let my heart abide in Him. As I love Him, so love me, but more.

Your life. What would change if you took each moment as God’s perfect provision, and assume at any instant that you have everything you need? What if you believed that even hardship and evil give your perfect opportunity to show love, declare faith, or grow strong?

When we belong to God, we receive all things from His hand. Even failure and bad decisions offer a path to wisdom and humility through repenting and turning to Him. Nothing is wasted in His economy; nothing is beyond redemption when given over to Him. Wake up to his grace today. Nothing need change for you to find peace.

Begin now accepting your current situation. Stop living in regret and discontent. Thank God that His arm is long enough to reach you, strong enough to save you. He is God regardless of circumstance. Open the door of your heart to Him. Invite Him to reign. Learn stillness. Learn rest.

Now look for the opportunity God is presenting. What door is open before you? Let him awaken courage, instill hope, promote joy. Ask Him to fill you with His Spirit and to lead you. Stop striving. Get in the flow of grace.

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”                                                                                                      – Matthew 11:28-30

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.                                                                                                                    – Romans 8:28

Writing forces your brain to choose. When you journal, you must choose which thoughts you attend to. You decide to pursue certain lines of reasoning and to disregard certain random thoughts. If you are wise, you will purpose to give special focus to powerful emotions that arise, cultivating curiosity for what is underneath. As you write, you make decisions of word choice, sentence structure and syntax. It is good brain work, exercising your mind in several different ways. If you write where others may read, you are likely to exercise imagination by putting yourself in the place of the reader. You decide how to craft your words for a particular audience. I am beginning to love writing and the discipline it requires. I love sharing what goes on in my life and my head in the hope that it brings laughter or enlightenment. I want to provoke others to think and spur them to live an examined life. I wish for them to know the intimate life with God that I am finding. I want to challenge and inspire them to grow. I wish for all to live in peace and joy, in tune with the Spirit and exercising their gifts to the full. So if you want clarity, write it down!

REPENTANCE

The life Jesus calls for is a life of repentance. Even now he says it, “Repent, for the kingdom of heaven is near!” (Matthew 4:17) Every day, He gives us opportunity to reorient to ourselves, to God and the world.

The word we translate from the Greek is metanoia. It derives from a prefix implying change and the root noia which refers to thinking. While repentance occasions regret, the emotional response is not as important as a shift in perspective. Our thought patterns must change if we are to turn away from sin. Repentance brings our souls back to God as we approach on His terms and not our own. In it we reconsider and realize that our way is not so good.

Repentance releases forgiveness. While God paid the price to forgive, those who do not recognize their need or fail to ask for it cannot receive the benefit. Fortunately, we can ask forgiveness because he assures us He wants to grant it. And while hardship and pain get our attention, turning to Him flows from belief that He wants us.

“Or do you show contempt for the riches of his kindness, tolerance and patience, not realizing that God’s kindness leads you toward repentance?”                                                                                             -
Romans 2:4

Live every day with open heart and hands, releasing our old ways of seeing and knowing, then receiving His perspectives and peace. Repentance is a lifestyle.

The old has gone, the new has come. Open up. The kingdom is at hand.

Thursday, March 4. March forth! I woke up about 5AM. As I lay in bed thinking, I thought again how deserving I am  of death and hell. I told God I wished he could kill me and then let me come back to life again. I imagined having the breath squeezed from my lungs and becoming aware that I was going to die. I saw my life flash before my eyes and repented of all the evil I had done and of all the good I failed to do.  Then I imagined being dead – asleep and unaware. I imagined being detached from all that is this side of heaven, not caring what goes on here on earth. Then I imagined waking again, realizing I have a fresh start, that the past has passed. No longer identified with the time that has gone before, it does not define me. It does not control me. Rather fresh possibilities abound.  Then I realized it is true. Whenever I step away from myself and into Christ, I become new. If I die daily to self, I live to him. The old has passed away, the new has come.

This morning as I stretched my muscles, it struck me that a good stretch causes real pain. In fact, it seemed to me that I was feeling pain roughly equal to a moderate case of arthritis. Rather than feeling bad, however, the pain seemed good. I had control and could back off from it at any time.

I know that while a good stretch takes me well beyond what is comfortable, it increases my range of comfort. Embracing the good pain, keeps the bad pain at bay.

God grant me courage and desire to move beyond comfort every day with you. Enlarge my heart. Stretch my capacity to give. Help me live fully and love freely. Help me choose short-term pain in light of lasting gain.

I am new to blogging, but I have kept a journal off and on since I was a teenager. It feels so different, though, imagining some random person reading my ramblings and revelations. I don’t know yet what will come of it, but I think I will give it a try.