We feel compassion for little children when we see their distress. When they are sad, hurt, angry or disappointed, their little faces show it, and most of us try to help when we see it. Children don’t often hide their feelings, and when they are very small, they can’t cover up even if they want to.

Sadly, though, if we are not given attention to or acceptance of strong emotions when we are small, we learn to hide them. We harden our hearts and move into our heads. And when we do, we may lose touch with those feelings and act them out, rather than show them or share them directly. Men, in particular, are told things like, “Big boys don’t cry!”

But as it turns out, dampening negative emotions cuts out positive feelings, too. And if we are good at hiding our feelings, the people who love us are at a loss to know what we feel, what we need, and how to engage in a healthy way.

As we grow in relationships, though, we can choose to become more transparent and let our face show our feelings. This is vital, because it lets others see how their behavior affects us. When our countenance shows that we are sad or lonely, frustrated or repentant and we find words to go with the feeling, others can express empathy. They can say, “I am sorry you are feeling that way. I care about you. Can I help?”

Even anger expressed calmly can help us show how others’ actions affect us. Solomon says it well, “Better is open rebuke than hidden love.”(Proverbs 27:5)

If we are not willing to show our feelings, we are tempted to make the other person wrong by appealing to a legal or moral standard. “You had no right to…” “The considerate thing would be to…” “I don’t treat you that way!” “The least you could do is…” Rather than empathy, these types of communications are apt to generate defensiveness or counter-attack.

If you are challenged when it comes to emotional expression, consider practicing. Stand in front of a mirror and work on displaying the facial expressions that reveal the state of your heart. Otherwise, your message may be lost in its delivery.

When I first began speaking publicly, I was horrified to watch a video of my presentation. The lack of expression, animation and change in vocal inflection made my talk fall flat. But my desire to communicate my message drove me to practice.

Though it felt awkward and forced at first, I gradually became more comfortable with being more demonstrative of my passion for my topic. And as my audience became more engaged, I was empowered to be even more expressive. If we want relationships that are powerful and engaged, accurate emotional expression is vital.

While a poker face is good if you are playing poker, it is not helpful in reaching your mate. Especially when you are hurt or sad, frustrated or repentant, let your face know!