I met with a woman today who suffered severe abuse as a child. She coped by telling herself it was better for her to suffer and protect her younger siblings. Even as an adult, she has consistently put other’s needs before her own. Recently, she was offered a promotion that was attractive, but it came with strings attached.

She prayed about the decision, but didn’t feel she got any answer from God. However, after saying yes to the job, she didn’t sleep well for three nights. Upon further reflection, she realized she was uncomfortable with the way they handled the offer and the commitment they asked of her. She subsequently notified them she did not want the position, and she was able to sleep again.

As we spoke, she wondered aloud why God never seems to tell her what to do. I suggested that perhaps her lack of peace was God’s way of getting her attention. But then it occurred to me then that in her case, God was in a tough spot. Even if He wanted to direct her, he could not really tell her what He wants for her without joining the ranks of others who are happy to run her life. For if she knew what God desired, she would just revert to her knee-jerk tendency to sacrifice all for the one she loves, considering her own wishes irrelevant.

No doubt, all of us must learn to say, “Not my will, but thine be done.” But it is not enough to say it as a default position. We cannot truly surrender what we have not claimed as our own. God will not take over a will that has not been affirmed. God cannot tell a person what He wants until that person has been able to claim and assert his own will. Jesus said those words in the garden, but only after appealing to God to give him some other option. He was crystal clear about his own will.

You cannot give what you do not own, nor surrender control when you have never exercised it.